Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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