i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
