im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
