Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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