I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
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