Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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