You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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