I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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