i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
