it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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