i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
