You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
