I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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