just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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