Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
