My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
