; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
