The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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