after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
