Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
