I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
