OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
