That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
