Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
