I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
3 2 1 whiskey
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
