If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
