i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
