So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
