if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
