Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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