I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
