Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
