I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
