Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
