i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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