His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
