Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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