Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
