I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone shit on the floor
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
