Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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