Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
