Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
