im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
