If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You had me at "let me see your balls"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
