Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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