How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
