Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I will be naked everywhere
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
