matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
