I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
