You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
