I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
